“It was like biting down on a dead mouse. I don’t know how else to describe it.”
A friend explaining her hookup’s request that she bite his “member”

“An Asian midget who loves God? I think I have to say no to that.”

“Something on this plane smells like cream of mushroom soup and it is making me very hungry.”

“The guy behind me [on the plane] asked the flight attendant, ‘Can I get the tray without a sandwich?’ and all I could think was, ‘What did that poor sandwich ever do to you?'”

“Wish I could have a day to do nothing [too].”
“Try being a grad student. They’re very sparsely sprinkled in and amongst the days where you hate yourself and want to die.”
“Well that’s why I don’t choose to walk into helicopter blades too. I know it’s a dumb idea.”

“If you see a van with a dinosaur smoking a joint on the side, you should get in that van.”
Ron Funches

“It’s the 47th birthday of walking garlic potato wedge Guy Fieri.”
Chris Hardwick on @Midnight

A very urgent-sounding child being picked up from a local day care center

Christine: “I shouldn’t tell you about the trove of puns I found today on BuzzFeed.”
William: “You must!”
Christine: “I can’t!”
William: “Look at me. Look at the joy on my face. How can you deny me such joy?”
Christine: “Easily.”

“You don’t have any friends. I mean, happy birthday!”
Amanda Veazey, to her mother on her birthday