“…something about the combination of the quaint architecture, the dusting of snow, and the readily available variety of hawt naked strippers made it seem magical.”

“You know your SNL episode is in big trouble when the sight of Martin Short as Ed Grimley dancing in a Drake parody can’t even momentarily raise the bar.”
From a tepid SNL recap

“We were both kind of raped by the same guy… if that isn’t a bonding experience between friends, I don’t know what one is.”

“Unfortunately, the cucumber broke, and half of the cocktail spilled on my dress.”

“I don’t have a vagina, but if I did, that would make it cringe.”

“Wow. You know your organization is in trouble when McDonald’s says it is ‘not satisfied.’ This is coming from the maker of grayish-brown meat circles, tiny condensed chicken mistakes, and, once a year, the ‘Shamrock Shake,’ aka a leprechaun’s diarrhea.”
John Oliver commenting on McDonald’s response to a FIFA corruption scandal

“…he’s so whipped that he might as well be tied together by a giant pair of labia.”

“Suicide is for cowards. I’d commit the Holocaust before I’d commit suicide. Fuck you, Sylvia Plath.”