“Shanghai Surprise? That sounds like another name for ‘diarrhea.'”
William Veazey discussing an oriental food item on a menu

“You do all realize that in medieval times, the word ‘weird’ meant ‘what’s happening.'”
(writes “weird” on the board)
“So that means that when you say ‘weird shit,’ you actually are repeating that old bumper sticker, ‘shit happens.'”
(writes “shit” on the board as well, picks up the eraser and puts it down)
“I think I’ll leave that up there.”
Dr. Allen Michie during our class discussion of Romeo & Juliet

“Damn, my penis looks huge right now.”
Random hall member walking by my door

“If you took a dump and threw it out the window and it attracted rats, what is the rat going to do with it? Play with it? Take it home to mommy?”
Dr. Allen Michie in British lit lecture

“I don’t know if it’s that funny, or if we’re that tired.”
William Veazey

“They’re there so you can type things Japanesely.”
William Veazey, referring to the Japanese character set available for outline numbering in MS Word 2000

“Can I have a bite of your swirly fun bun?”
William Veazey referring to my Mrs. Freshley’s Jelly Swirl Honey Bun

Stop me! Page me!
Stenciled on the back of a van offering its “hauling services” for sale

“I want to know how they synchronized the clapping in the audience for this song.”
My roommate, completely oblivious to the fact that most drum machines have a “clap” sound

“I think she’s going to be wearing a pink shawl today with matching lipstick.”
Overheard in COM 100, referring to the professor