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Category Archives: Television

“What makes somebody go pick up poop and want to make a juice out of it?”
Damon John

“…and there you have our little chicken corn witch face.”
Martha Stewart

“God, I love photos of Glenn Beck crying. It makes every day feel like a Christmas miracle.”
The Retropolitan

“I really take issue with the pair of beef sunglasses that I got on the first course.”
Alex Guarnaschelli

Daniel: Don’t record ‘Hank.’
Ryan: Why not?
Daniel: Because I don’t know what it is.

“He seems mentally unbalanced. I like him!”
Amanda Veazey, on recent “Jeopardy!” champion Stefan

“What are we watching?”
“We’re watching ‘If the Earth Were Dead’ or something.”
William Veazey & Ryan Eanes

“Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”
Anthony Bourdain

“Look, I have girl boobs!”
Patrick Stewart as himself on Family Guy

“If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I’m prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow.”
Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock

“Excuse me, sir. I think I smell my friend’s beard in here.”
Tom Goes to the Mayor

“On the chance that Osama bin-Laden tunes in and sees me comparing him to Vanna White, I hope it ruins his night.”Rachel Maddow