“I took a picture…of an orangutan drinking soap suds. It made me think of you.”
Amanda Veazey

Jeremy: “There’s a girl at the end of the tables that looks like Jack White.”
Shayla: “Oh, she does. Except not hot.”

“Hey, look, I’m ET, except I’m not afraid of myself.”
Amanda Veazey

“Oh no! They’re hoarding cheerful old ladies! There must be thousands of them in here!”
Joel McHale on The Soup

Large black lady, looking at the produce section: Why ain’t they just got regular plain old apples? This be too many to pick from!
Half-interested friend: Mmm-hmm.
Atlantic Station Pathmark

“For a split-second I thought I had somehow managed to poop yellow poop through my clothes.”

Goats are extremely cute and fairly intelligent (for livestock) and, importantly, delicious FOOD, PAGE 54
A seemingly random quote slapped at the bottom of a Time magazine article

“It looks like she has two breasts attached to her ass.”
Discussing a woman with unusually undulatory buttocks

Seen: Sign reading “Take Corn Foot Rub” in Flushing, Queens

Mature piano teacher has her boobs tortured by lusty gayboys
The upsetting subject line from a spam message I received