“I don’t want to know anything about noodles near my mom’s transvaginal mesh.”

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest f—ing babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.”

 

“…something about the combination of the quaint architecture, the dusting of snow, and the readily available variety of hawt naked strippers made it seem magical.”

“We were both kind of raped by the same guy… if that isn’t a bonding experience between friends, I don’t know what one is.”

“It was like biting down on a dead mouse. I don’t know how else to describe it.”
A friend explaining her hookup’s request that she bite his “member”

“If you see a van with a dinosaur smoking a joint on the side, you should get in that van.”
Ron Funches

“He’s got permanent duck lips.”
“Yeah, but he’s got a nice skin color, though.”

Look. There is a large segment of society that has too much money and they are retarded. Don’t feel bad because other people are retarded. You can’t control retardedness.”
Reddit comment

“An incontinent 500-pound clown that blows a microphone… that’s what passes for children’s entertainment in Holland.”