“I don’t want to know anything about noodles near my mom’s transvaginal mesh.”

“Oh, that’s perfect… Caramel Pustules will be the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band.”

“One of the things I find so weird and pathetic about his appearance is his strangely thick eyelashes. It just makes him look like a creepy melting baby doll head.”
A Gawker commenter describing Ted Cruz’s appearance

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“You know your SNL episode is in big trouble when the sight of Martin Short as Ed Grimley dancing in a Drake parody can’t even momentarily raise the bar.”
From a tepid SNL recap

“I don’t have a vagina, but if I did, that would make it cringe.”

“Wow. You know your organization is in trouble when McDonald’s says it is ‘not satisfied.’ This is coming from the maker of grayish-brown meat circles, tiny condensed chicken mistakes, and, once a year, the ‘Shamrock Shake,’ aka a leprechaun’s diarrhea.”
John Oliver commenting on McDonald’s response to a FIFA corruption scandal

“…he’s so whipped that he might as well be tied together by a giant pair of labia.”

“It was like biting down on a dead mouse. I don’t know how else to describe it.”
A friend explaining her hookup’s request that she bite his “member”