“Behold! The magic of electricity and knives!”
Mario Batali

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest f—ing babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.”

 

“You know your SNL episode is in big trouble when the sight of Martin Short as Ed Grimley dancing in a Drake parody can’t even momentarily raise the bar.”
From a tepid SNL recap

“Unfortunately, the cucumber broke, and half of the cocktail spilled on my dress.”

“Wow. You know your organization is in trouble when McDonald’s says it is ‘not satisfied.’ This is coming from the maker of grayish-brown meat circles, tiny condensed chicken mistakes, and, once a year, the ‘Shamrock Shake,’ aka a leprechaun’s diarrhea.”
John Oliver commenting on McDonald’s response to a FIFA corruption scandal

“If you see a van with a dinosaur smoking a joint on the side, you should get in that van.”
Ron Funches

“It’s the 47th birthday of walking garlic potato wedge Guy Fieri.”
Chris Hardwick on @Midnight

“That logo? It’s phallic and vaginal at the same time.”
Joe Bastianich