“I did do a similar newspaper column all through college. I basically discussed how things were stupid and how I hated them. People loved it.”

“‘Sometimes I pee when I laugh.’ Oh, that is so true.”
Becky, reading text on a pen at a gas station

“…I’m beginning to think Richard Simmons should sue him for stealing his catchphrase.”

“The Gloria Estefan portion of the evening has concluded.”

“Why does the world insist that I mayn’t have an orange gingham shirt?!”

“I’m a little alarmed. Outside just now I heard what sounded like a mechanical elephant being put through a trash compactor.”

“Who would’ve thought that a ham quiche could be so deadly.”

“I can’t even think about Mexican food without my intestines cringing.”