“Unfortunately, the cucumber broke, and half of the cocktail spilled on my dress.”

“…and I hate… I mean, I hate Kevin Costner and his stupid f***ing face…”
A random girl walking by my front window

Clearly they took inspiration from the decidedly sexual shape of the walrus.

“Is couscous grown? What is couscous? Is it a grain?”
Bish Sen

“Maybe in a former life I was some sort of lighthouse keeper…┬áit would explain my hateful demeanor, affinity for dogs and longing for craggy beaches.”

“I am perpetually mortified by the things that come out of my brain.”

“You could be the Employee of the Week next week. And the criteria is that I have to have an awkward, kind of bad picture of you that’s poorly cropped.”
Ron Mitchell

“…but I don’t want to get stung by a scorpion again! …in Egypt!”
Random guy walking down 8th Avenue on his phone