“Suicide is for cowards. I’d commit the Holocaust before I’d commit suicide. Fuck you, Sylvia Plath.”

“The Europeans brought small pots to the Native Americans.”
A sentence in an intro-level college history student’s essay.


“I’m not sure what’s wrong with you. Here, have a Werther’s Original.”
Ashley Miller discussing the incompetence of her school’s “health director”


“Sweet! It’s not working! I hate that!”
A guy named Mark in my programming class, being very happy about his code not working


“I’ve smelled babies before. They smell like train compartments.”
Matt Cashion, professor of creative writing, discussing sensory imagery


“You’re not getting your papers back next Tuesday. It doesn’t matter, anyway… it’s too late for you to drop the class.”
Dr. Thompson


Dr. Thompson steps up to Student A who is sitting next to Student B (Jordan), who is overly enthusiastic for some unknown reason.
“I want you to speak to Jordan after class about his enthusiasm for being in class. He might need some kind of mental health referral.”


“I love hearing those traps snap! It’s better than choral music!”
Dr. Thompson discussing his love for hearing mice die in traps


“If you’ve never done it before, drawing with a mouse is a bit like drawing with a rock.”
April’s teacher Beth