“Mr. Sasse continues to believe that our country is in a bad place and, with these two candidates, this election remains a dumpster fire. Nothing has changed.”
The spokesman for a Republican senator following a meeting with Donald Trump

“Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest f—ing babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.”

 

“Wow. You know your organization is in trouble when McDonald’s says it is ‘not satisfied.’ This is coming from the maker of grayish-brown meat circles, tiny condensed chicken mistakes, and, once a year, the ‘Shamrock Shake,’ aka a leprechaun’s diarrhea.”
John Oliver commenting on McDonald’s response to a FIFA corruption scandal

“…he’s so whipped that he might as well be tied together by a giant pair of labia.”

“Suicide is for cowards. I’d commit the Holocaust before I’d commit suicide. Fuck you, Sylvia Plath.”

“Wish I could have a day to do nothing [too].”
“Try being a grad student. They’re very sparsely sprinkled in and amongst the days where you hate yourself and want to die.”
“Well that’s why I don’t choose to walk into helicopter blades too. I know it’s a dumb idea.”

“It’s the 47th birthday of walking garlic potato wedge Guy Fieri.”
Chris Hardwick on @Midnight

“You don’t have any friends. I mean, happy birthday!”
Amanda Veazey, to her mother on her birthday

“Lifetime’s severely low-end Brittany Murphy biopic, The Brittany Murphy Story, airs September 6, and these clips from it do not look encouraging. In fact, they look horrendous. There are amateur pornos made at a higher quality. There are Chihuahuas wearing better, more believable wigs. Simply holding a paper cutout of Brittany Murphy’s face on a Popsicle stick up to one’s face would be more lifelike.”
From a Vulture blog post