Amanda: “Why do you judge people so much? You’re not God! Remember in the Bible where it says ‘Thou shalt not judge’?”
Me: “I believe it says ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.'”
Amanda: “Well, whatever, I haven’t read the Bible.”
Sad, isn’t it? I live with this every day.


“Umm…naw, what ya’ll need to do is get yoself one of dem My Size Barbies and dress dat bitch up.”
Someone from Ashley’s senior class…yes, a senior in college said that. Proof that anyone can get a college degree.

“Afraid? Afraid of what? Skanks with pickle tubs?”
Tiana discussing why she isn’t worried about the Junior class’s Fall Fest theme


“I’ve found pictures of Dick Clark in the Spanish-American War. Holding a microphone. Which was weird because that didn’t exist then.”
Conan O’Brien


“I’m no gay hairdresser, but even I know that’s too much.”
Johnnie Mickel, discussing eye makeup

“If you’re going to call me a racist, at least roll the ‘r.'”

William: “Ryan, how come your fart smells like potatoes?”
Ryan: “I think it’s my leftover food.”

“OK, let’s talk about the biological reasons your heart can’t talk.”

“Your grasp of the obvious is stunning.”
Greg Topolski


Ryan: You should’ve named it something like “Jeeves Butler Fauntleroy XVIII.”
William: How is that a hamster name?


“Do you know what we do in those training sessions, Woody?”
“Smoke cigarettes?”


“Looks aren’t important to me at all.”
“So you’d date anyone at all?”
“Well, they can’t be fat.”
Jeff describing his ideal match. Or not.