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Amanda: “Why do you judge people so much? You’re not God! Remember in the Bible where it says ‘Thou shalt not judge’?”
Me: “I believe it says ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.'”
Amanda: “Well, whatever, I haven’t read the Bible.”
Sad, isn’t it? I live with this every day.

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“Umm…naw, what ya’ll need to do is get yoself one of dem My Size Barbies and dress dat bitch up.”
Someone from Ashley’s senior class…yes, a senior in college said that. Proof that anyone can get a college degree.

“Afraid? Afraid of what? Skanks with pickle tubs?”
Tiana discussing why she isn’t worried about the Junior class’s Fall Fest theme

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“I’ve found pictures of Dick Clark in the Spanish-American War. Holding a microphone. Which was weird because that didn’t exist then.”
Conan O’Brien

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“I’m no gay hairdresser, but even I know that’s too much.”
Johnnie Mickel, discussing eye makeup

“If you’re going to call me a racist, at least roll the ‘r.'”
Ryan

William: “Ryan, how come your fart smells like potatoes?”
Ryan: “I think it’s my leftover food.”

“OK, let’s talk about the biological reasons your heart can’t talk.”
Ashley

“Your grasp of the obvious is stunning.”
Greg Topolski

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Ryan: You should’ve named it something like “Jeeves Butler Fauntleroy XVIII.”
William: How is that a hamster name?

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“Do you know what we do in those training sessions, Woody?”
“Smoke cigarettes?”
“NO.”

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“Looks aren’t important to me at all.”
“So you’d date anyone at all?”
“Well, they can’t be fat.”
Jeff describing his ideal match. Or not.