“We were both kind of raped by the same guy… if that isn’t a bonding experience between friends, I don’t know what one is.”

“Relax, it was just a sea cucumber.”
“Oh, okay. It just felt like the inside of an eclair got loose and went for a dip. It’s fine. I’m glad we’re here.”
Pete Holmes explaining why he doesn’t like wading into the ocean

“Please, Fry! I don’t know how to teach! I’m a professor!”
Professor Farnsworth on Futurama

“There’s no real theater culture in Los Angeles… just a lot of pretentiousness connected by traffic.”
Chris Hardwick, on the Nerdist Podcast

Amanda: “Look at how pretty I used to be.”
William: “Yep, and then you got caught in that wheat thresher.”
Amanda and William Veazey, discussing old pictures

William: “I don’t want to drink anything through a beef straw.”
Jeremy: “That’s why you’re a straight man.”

“Democrats in the state won’t have the numbers to overturn Christie’s veto, so there is not likely to be any married gay sexytime in the filthy toxic beach death state anytime soon.”
Wonkette

“Let’s get right to the point: someday you will die. Maybe you’ll sacrifice yourself to save a bus full of nuns, or die bringing food to starving children in a war zone, or pass away at the age of 90, surrounded by an enormous, loving family and all your Nobel prizes. More likely, though, you will get unceremoniously creamed by a fire truck because you couldn’t hear its sirens over ‘How Will I Know.'”
Gawker

“Have you even ever seen a toddler? They’re like the convergence point of dependence and terrifying mobility.”
The Hairpin