“That foot sandwich is apparently some sort of mascot thing.”

“I don’t want to know anything about noodles near my mom’s transvaginal mesh.”

“Mom-MEEEEE! I HAVE a STINKY BOTTOM!!!”
A very urgent-sounding child being picked up from a local day care center

Christine: “I shouldn’t tell you about the trove of puns I found today on BuzzFeed.”
William: “You must!”
Christine: “I can’t!”
William: “Look at me. Look at the joy on my face. How can you deny me such joy?”
Christine: “Easily.”

“He’s got permanent duck lips.”
“Yeah, but he’s got a nice skin color, though.”

“They look disturbingly like that breast implant you have in your freezer.”

“A goose biting you is not a little pinch… they have teeth. It’s like a dinosaur is biting you.”
Student walking on campus

“…and I hate… I mean, I hate Kevin Costner and his stupid f***ing face…”
A random girl walking by my front window

“Well, you know, penises don’t… ejaculate all the time.”
A student talking to another about something I don’t want to know about

“Um, so what do you call a Shirley Temple with vodka?”
Dumb girl at a campus bar