“One of the things I find so weird and pathetic about his appearance is his strangely thick eyelashes. It just makes him look like a creepy melting baby doll head.”
A Gawker commenter describing Ted Cruz’s appearance

“You know your SNL episode is in big trouble when the sight of Martin Short as Ed Grimley dancing in a Drake parody can’t even momentarily raise the bar.”
From a tepid SNL recap

“…he’s so whipped that he might as well be tied together by a giant pair of labia.”

“Suicide is for cowards. I’d commit the Holocaust before I’d commit suicide. Fuck you, Sylvia Plath.”

“The guy behind me [on the plane] asked the flight attendant, ‘Can I get the tray without a sandwich?’ and all I could think was, ‘What did that poor sandwich ever do to you?'”

“Wish I could have a day to do nothing [too].”
“Try being a grad student. They’re very sparsely sprinkled in and amongst the days where you hate yourself and want to die.”
“Well that’s why I don’t choose to walk into helicopter blades too. I know it’s a dumb idea.”

“It’s the 47th birthday of walking garlic potato wedge Guy Fieri.”
Chris Hardwick on @Midnight

“You don’t have any friends. I mean, happy birthday!”
Amanda Veazey, to her mother on her birthday