“I woke up as a baby on this earth one day, and god gave me a penis, so I’m going to squirt anyone I want.”
Random student walking on campus with a female friend

“I don’t understand how I got all this debris in my bra.”

I once dated a man who wrote me poetry on perfume-scented tear-stained paper so, yes, you could say I’ve had a lesbian experience.
@fluffysuse on Twitter

“I thought that fire hydrant was a little person, staring at me.”
Christine Anderson

“An angry janitor in a stairwell doesn’t rise to quite the same level as the ghost of a dead prostitute in an elevator shaft that has been converted into a dining room.”

“This pimento cheese is, dare I say it, the bomb diggity.”
Eric Page

“That was my only ethnic Barbie, you f–k! That was supposed to be GI Joe’s girlfriend!”
What Mike Goris said to her cousin after cutting & restyling her Pocahontas Barbie’s hair

“This fondue smells disgusting. It’s like somebody poured Chardonnay on a homeless woman who’d been dead several days.”
Sue Sylvester on Glee

“I wanted to say that between the wallaby and the baby doll, I was already overstimulated, but how often in life do you get such an offer?”
David Sedaris in Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls