“That foot sandwich is apparently some sort of mascot thing.”

“Oh, that’s perfect… Caramel Pustules will be the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band.”

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“Unfortunately, the cucumber broke, and half of the cocktail spilled on my dress.”

“It was like biting down on a dead mouse. I don’t know how else to describe it.”
A friend explaining her hookup’s request that she bite his “member”

“Something on this plane smells like cream of mushroom soup and it is making me very hungry.”

“The guy behind me [on the plane] asked the flight attendant, ‘Can I get the tray without a sandwich?’ and all I could think was, ‘What did that poor sandwich ever do to you?'”

I dunno. I’ve farted in bed lots of times, and it never made a pizza cake…”
William Veazey

“An incontinent 500-pound clown that blows a microphone… that’s what passes for children’s entertainment in Holland.”