“Suicide is for cowards. I’d commit the Holocaust before I’d commit suicide. Fuck you, Sylvia Plath.”

“It was like biting down on a dead mouse. I don’t know how else to describe it.”
A friend explaining her hookup’s request that she bite his “member”

“An Asian midget who loves God? I think I have to say no to that.”

“Something on this plane smells like cream of mushroom soup and it is making me very hungry.”

“Wish I could have a day to do nothing [too].”
“Try being a grad student. They’re very sparsely sprinkled in and amongst the days where you hate yourself and want to die.”
“Well that’s why I don’t choose to walk into helicopter blades too. I know it’s a dumb idea.”

“Mom-MEEEEE! I HAVE a STINKY BOTTOM!!!”
A very urgent-sounding child being picked up from a local day care center

Christine: “I shouldn’t tell you about the trove of puns I found today on BuzzFeed.”
William: “You must!”
Christine: “I can’t!”
William: “Look at me. Look at the joy on my face. How can you deny me such joy?”
Christine: “Easily.”

“Lifetime’s severely low-end Brittany Murphy biopic, The Brittany Murphy Story, airs September 6, and these clips from it do not look encouraging. In fact, they look horrendous. There are amateur pornos made at a higher quality. There are Chihuahuas wearing better, more believable wigs. Simply holding a paper cutout of Brittany Murphy’s face on a Popsicle stick up to one’s face would be more lifelike.”
From a Vulture blog post

“That logo? It’s phallic and vaginal at the same time.”
Joe Bastianich

“An incontinent 500-pound clown that blows a microphone… that’s what passes for children’s entertainment in Holland.”