“Behold! The magic of electricity and knives!”
Mario Batali

“Oh, that’s perfect… Caramel Pustules will be the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band.”

“Mr. Sasse continues to believe that our country is in a bad place and, with these two candidates, this election remains a dumpster fire. Nothing has changed.”
The spokesman for a Republican senator following a meeting with Donald Trump

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest f—ing babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.”

 

“…something about the combination of the quaint architecture, the dusting of snow, and the readily available variety of hawt naked strippers made it seem magical.”

“We were both kind of raped by the same guy… if that isn’t a bonding experience between friends, I don’t know what one is.”

“I don’t have a vagina, but if I did, that would make it cringe.”