“We’ve had a bit of a situation here, but we’ve located a place that has New England clam chowder.”
An assistant on the phone responding to the boss’ query about his lunch

“Mr. Ed was a zebra! I swear to God!”
Victor Garcia, quoting an urban legend

“That begs the question: Do snakes have genitals?”
Joe Muto

“I’m talking about me creating a mace out of whatever I can find in the office and then leading us to freedom!”
Victor Garcia

“Didn’t I touch your boob the other day?”
A co-worker speaking to a (presumably) female co-worker just out of visual range

“What are those weird Dr. Seuss flowers over there?”
“It’s an orchid.”

Ron: “Do you know what my nickname in high school was?”
Ryan: “I have no idea.  Old Chamberpot? Spittoon McGee?”

“There’s nowhere in my living room I can really put a litterbox. I don’t feel good about just leaving a tray of poop out in the open like that.”
“I knew it–I knew it.  I knew you were going to say ‘tray of poop.'”

“You shut your mouth, Ron, or I’m going to punch you in the face.  Right in the baby-maker.”
Victor Garcia

“I’m not in the mood for fish.  It’s just too hot for fish today.”