“Come on, now! A couple of cheap donuts would bribe an evaluation.”
Dr. Thompson discussing how he could improve his end-of-semester evaluation ratings


“God gave you two feet, a hand, and somewhere to walk.”
“I know I’m qualified to be mayor, because I don’t think I’m a genius.”
“Well, I don’t believe in that word ‘set-up.'”
Washington D.C. mayoral candidate Ossie Thorpe


“I’m no gay hairdresser, but even I know that’s too much.”
Johnnie Mickel, discussing eye makeup

“If you’re going to call me a racist, at least roll the ‘r.'”

William: “Ryan, how come your fart smells like potatoes?”
Ryan: “I think it’s my leftover food.”

“OK, let’s talk about the biological reasons your heart can’t talk.”

“Your grasp of the obvious is stunning.”
Greg Topolski


Ryan: You should’ve named it something like “Jeeves Butler Fauntleroy XVIII.”
William: How is that a hamster name?


“There’s rats in there eating your cheese! Who are you going to be mad at? The rats? Or are you going to be mad at the cheese?”
Statesville High School principal Teddy Millsaps, incomprehensible as usual


“You see, now that’s why you always have to look in the mirror, at the store, to see if your pants have an extra sack in the back.”


“Never underestimate the power of powder.”
Jeff after liberally dusting his apartment with baby powder for… some unknown reason


“I don’t think you should buy batteries from a retard on the subway.”
Johnny Wright, after hearing my story about the bad subway battery salesman


“Do NOT start this car until I fish the eggs out of your exhaust pipes.”