“I loved his sweater, but I suspect I’d look like a poorly circumcised penis were I to try and wear it.”
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“I loved his sweater, but I suspect I’d look like a poorly circumcised penis were I to try and wear it.”
“That sounds like a degenerative disease that impacts monkeys.”
Ryan Eanes
“I love my black wife, Wendy Williams–and our two apparently Asian children!”
Jon Stewart
Wanda: “I heard on the radio, the guy [from Steely Dan] said when they say ‘We’re going to play something off our new album,’ five thousand people get up to go get a beer and they don’t come back until the hear the first notes of this one song, but I can’t remember what it is.”
Amanda: “Is it ‘Reelin’ in the Years?’”
Wanda: “No….”
Amanda: “‘Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number?’”
Wanda: “No….”
Amanda: “‘Dr. Wu?’”
Wanda: “No….”
Amanda: “‘Kid Charlemagne?’”
Wanda: “No, that’s not it….”
Amanda: “‘Do It Again?’”
Wanda: “How’s that one go?”
Amanda: “‘You go back, Jack / Do it again / Wheel turnin’ round and round.’”
Wanda: “No….”
Amanda: “‘Deacon Blues?’”
Wanda: “No….”
Amanda: “‘Peg?’”
Wanda: “Are you sure you’re naming hit songs?”
Amanda: “Yes, Mom. These are all on the Greatest Hits CD.”
Wanda: “Well…maybe it was that ‘take the money’ song.”
Amanda: “Mom, that’s the Steve Miller Band, not Steely Dan.”
Wanda & Amanda Veazey
“Good lord. It’s like Disney and Pollyanna had a baby and named it Zappos. …They were falling over themselves to convey what a fabulous experience the mere caress of my voice was.”
Todd Wachsman
“People are a lot more sedimentary than they used to be.”
Ruth Miller
“I’m not in the mood for fish. It’s just too hot for fish today.”
“If you can accept that when you hit the ball, it goes, and it goes where you aim it, then golf is interesting.”
Otley Veazey
“That chicken tastes too much like an animal.”
Large black lady, looking at the produce section: Why ain’t they just got regular plain old apples? This be too many to pick from!
Half-interested friend: Mmm-hmm.
Atlantic Station Pathmark
“Scientology is to religion what Farmville is to games.”
The Pitch
“If everyone who had their ass slapped in a bar called the cops, the police would never get anything done!”