“Behold! The magic of electricity and knives!”
Mario Batali

“That foot sandwich is apparently some sort of mascot thing.”

“I don’t want to know anything about noodles near my mom’s transvaginal mesh.”

“Oh, that’s perfect… Caramel Pustules will be the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band.”

“Mr. Sasse continues to believe that our country is in a bad place and, with these two candidates, this election remains a dumpster fire. Nothing has changed.”
The spokesman for a Republican senator following a meeting with Donald Trump

“Aw Mummy…I’d gladly sacrifice Frozen for your tooth.”
Submitted by Ginger, whose daughter offered to give up an addition to her Disney movie collection to help pay for a broken tooth

“One of the things I find so weird and pathetic about his appearance is his strangely thick eyelashes. It just makes him look like a creepy melting baby doll head.”
A Gawker commenter describing Ted Cruz’s appearance

“Derek is the gayest g–damn thing I’ve ever even heard of.  Watching him on screen for one second is like watching a thousand hours of hardcore gay anal sex.  He’s so gay that he makes Dan Savage look like Rush Limbaugh.  He makes the gay pride parade look like a wet t-shirt contest.  He makes Margeret Cho’s stand-up comedy look like Andrew Dice Clay’s stand-up comedy.  That kid Derek is so motherf–king gay that while I was watching him perform ‘Yankee Doodle,’ Harvey Fierstein burst through my wall like the Kool-Aid man and jerked off all over my keyboard, and I wasn’t even surprised.”
Notes on a particular character from a Full House review

“Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest f—ing babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.”